Fallen but not forgotten...

“Greater love hath no man but to lay down his life for a friend…” Every year, on the last Monday of the month of May, we step aside and remember those who embodied this ideal to the fullest. These are young men who went into the hell of war and came back in body bags. They were never famous, rarely wealthy, and many had no more than their immediate family waiting for them to come home. And yet they are the greatest heroes this nation has ever seen. Each time our nation has been at war, young men such as these have fought, bled, and laid down their lives in service to the United States. They selflessly set aside their fears, their hopes, and their dreams to contribute to something greater than themselves.

I had the privilege of being able to witness one of the more moving Memorial Day remembrances that I have ever seen. For the last three years several groups in Murfreesboro erect flags in a field on the outskirts of town. These flags represent people near and dear to local residents who did not make it home from the ravages of war. Hundreds of flags arranged in rows, each flag 2 feet from the next. Dress right dress, just as if those soldiers, airmen, seamen, and marines were all standing in a mass formation. This evening there was a ceremony to honor specifically those from Tennessee who had given the ultimate sacrifice. The most chilling part of this ceremony was the moment in which our elected officials (many of whom were veterans themselves) took turns reading the names of all those Tennesseans who had fallen in the line of battle since September 11, 2001. Much like seeing the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, D.C., it is a very chilling reminder of the terrible cost that our young men have paid to secure our freedoms.

To finish off the ceremony, a 21 gun salute was conducted followed immediately by an Army Staff Sergeant playing taps on the bugle. For those that have never heard taps and the 21 gun salute in person, it is one of the few events in life that will hit anybody to their very core. It is a feeling that words cannot truly describe. I have not had my time in the combat zone yet, but I pray that I’m half as selfless as these men were. I also pray that the citizens of our country understand and appreciate just what was sacrificed to secure their freedoms. Sometimes I wonder if that understanding has left many of our fellow countryman.

One thing that amazes me and continually catches me off guard is when children go out of their way to thank a servicemember or veteran. About 10 months ago I got off duty and went straight to a tractor pull. While I was there and chatting with some friends of mine who had a table set up, a little kid came up to me and asked for my autograph. I was speechless and nearly overcome with emotion. Flash forward to today; A little kid, a little younger than the one from before, came up and handed me a picture he had drawn and was determined to give it to someone in uniform if he saw one. Again, I was speechless to the point to where I could barely get a “thank you” out. Seeing children doing that to thank those who serves reminds me that there is still hope, and that when the Lord decides that it is time for me to pass the torch there will be another generation of soldiers to pass that torch to.

June 11 will mark 7 years since I enlisted into the Army. Coming up on re-enlistment, but I have never deployed overseas up until this point. This is a source of a great burden on my heart. I know many who never made it back, but it is often hard for me to deal with the fact that I have never myself been when so many others that I know have been to combat several times since I enlisted. I know it is all in God’s control at this point and I feel eventually I will see my time in combat. But for now, I will pray for those that are already there and for those that gave their lives already. May they rest in peace forever and may they NEVER be forgotten.

Another hurdle passed....

Passed a major hurdle a week ago. Ever since my wreck my body simply just has not been the same. Still isn't the same as there are some things that I still can't do to the degree that I was able to prior to the wreck. There are also some aches and pains (and numbness in the arm) that persist even now, almost 19 months from the day it happened. But, for the first time since my wreck, I passed the APFT (aka PT test). At one point I was beginning to wonder if I was physically capable of passing it. But the other NCOs in my unit kept on encouraging me and helped me to keep my head up. It finally paid off.

It's been a long road since the wreck. A lot of ups and downs. My body is certainly not the same either, and nor will it ever be. The Army saw fit to put me on a permanent profile where I don't do the two mile run. Instead I do the 2 1/2 mile walk and I have 34 minutes to complete that task. I was pissed beyond belief when I found out about it. It limited my career options and it prevents me from ever being a tanker again. However, after taking an APFT since then I realize that once again, God knows best. Due to my previous knee injury from basic training and my knee now deteriorating, simply doing a PT test was putting me in nearly unbearable pain. It was far easier to deal with my broken ankle than it was the knee. But now I can do a PT test and be in minimal pain, instead of barely being able to operate the clutch on the way home and barely being able to walk up the stairs. Yeah, it's sore but I can get up the next morning and still get around easily.

It's just amazing sometimes what you can do when you have the right kind of support. The senior NCOs in my unit would have had every right to just berate me every time I failed and leave it at that. But they didn't do that. They helped me come up with a plan of action and put it in place and they also continually encouraged me. That encouragement and support is a big reason why I was able to finally get to where I needed to be. You can set all the goals you want but if you don't have anyone behind you it makes it 100 times harder to accomplish that goal...

Is it bad that I have 5 computers in my room?

Kind of amazing how technology rolls along. I can communicate with everyone via Facebook or email. I can hit a few keys on a phone and carry on a conversation with someone without saying a word. Cars have computers that optimize power and efficiency. Although, to be honest, some of that on cars is needlessly complicating repairs. Cars have to stay in the shop longer, it costs customers more money and it costs mechanics more money just to keep their doors open.

But I digress. Another fun thing is I can play Xbox with friends of mine in another state. And now a new piece of technology has been introduced to the equation: Skype. So not only can we hear each other cussing up a storm or yelling out various expressions (my Southern expressions crack everyone up), but now we can see the looks on each others faces. This is particularly amusing during 1 on 1 action.

But anyway yeah this is short and to the point. Technology is advancing quickly, and I'm lucky enough to be going into a career where I get to see it first hand and possibly even participate in these advancements. It's also fun to utilize technology as it comes out. So that's all for now. Oh, btw is it a bad thing that I have 5 computers in my room? 2 desktops, 2 personal laptops, and a government issue laptop. In addition to this I have plenty of parts laying around as well, and will have yet another desktop as soon as I have the income to order parts. Wow, I really am a geek.

So I've been told....

Apparently I should start writing again. Some people say it seems to flow seamlessly from one phrase to the next. Others say my writing is "beautiful" (mainly my ex, who still holds to that claim). And yet every time I put the pen to the paper, I continually second-guess myself. I guess that's one of my faults in life in general though. I see it again and again every time I look in the mirror. I assume that just because everything goes to hell in a handbasket I must have screwed up somewhere along the line. Guess that's not always the case. I've certainly screwed up my share along the way, I won't lie there. Up until the last 6 or so months, I never truly walked with God. Yeah, I may have been technically "saved", but Lord knows I wasn't gonna get any reward when I got to heaven cause I didn't do anything for Him. Guess third time is the charm. Took hitting rock bottom for the 3rd time to realize where I kept going wrong.

"Yeah God you can handle the whole 'make sure I get to heaven' thing, but I'm gonna run my show down here." What a crock of crap! I didn't realize it at the time, but me trying to run my own life was like a civilian trying to command a Division on the battlefield. I'm definitely stubborn that's for sure. German and Cherokee when mixed apparently compound that issue. I'm definitely a Steelman when it comes to stubbornness even if I do have a different last name. Problem is, I've been stubborn towards the wrong one. Looking back, it was oh so obvious, but I was doing my own thing and didn't notice. And look at the pain it caused...not just for myself but to those close to me.

When the fecal matter hit the rotating prop I should have known better and turned to God but nope. I closed myself off and then tried to hide from God. Who am I that I could actually expect to hide from God? If I hadn't hurt people around me by doing it, it would actually be amusing looking back. I can't help but shake my head now. My inability to deal with adversity destroyed one relationship, then pure stupidity (and not learning from what God didn't want me to do) cost me another relationship, nearly completely annihilating what was once my closest (and one of the longest lasting) friendship in the process. That friendship is still in existence purely by the grace of God and I thank him for that, not to mention the breaths I still take.

That leads me into the next question I've struggled with for the last year and a half. Why am I still here? Had I driven the Camaro that day instead of the Grand Prix I would not have walked away from that wreck. And I still have absolutely no clue what made me decide to change cars at the last minute either. Took me quite a while before I finally realized that I will never know the answer to that question, at least not until I go to be with the Lord. All I know is there is a reason for me still being here. It just blows my mind though that He would still keep me here.

I am one of the most undeserving people of that type of grace (or any grace for that matter). I've squandered much of what I was given to start with, I didn't seek proper guidance on how to use those gifts either. And I badly abused those gifts. Boy am I glad I'm not God, cause I would have given up on this young buck sergeant a long time ago. There's still much uncertainty in my life, but nowhere does it say that the road will be easy. All I do know is that God is gonna provide. I also have a much clearer idea of where I'm going now than I have at any point in the last two years since I left Active Duty. How long it will take to get there, I have absolutely no clue because I am unable to see past the current roadblocks. I know God can see past it though, and I'm going to be content with him in the driver's seat. Cause that's where he belongs. Lord knows I proved that with the trail of destruction I left in my wake when I was driving.

Lastly, I've finally learned to embrace the entire man that God has molded me into, not just part of it. I've come to realize how creative God was when he molded me, both physically and mentally. I'm a redneck, a cowboy, a gearhead, a soldier, and a computer geek all rolled up into one. I never was one to think that I was anything out of the ordinary, that I wasn't worth anybody's time, that I didn't have anything special to compete with anybody else on. Apparently I was wrong. Talk about an interesting combination. Add to that list a writer as well. Cause apparently some people think my writing is beautiful and seemingly effortless. It's definitely not effortless, but it seems I have a talent in that area so I might as well embrace that as well...