Apparently I should start writing again. Some people say it seems to flow seamlessly from one phrase to the next. Others say my writing is "beautiful" (mainly my ex, who still holds to that claim). And yet every time I put the pen to the paper, I continually second-guess myself. I guess that's one of my faults in life in general though. I see it again and again every time I look in the mirror. I assume that just because everything goes to hell in a handbasket I must have screwed up somewhere along the line. Guess that's not always the case. I've certainly screwed up my share along the way, I won't lie there. Up until the last 6 or so months, I never truly walked with God. Yeah, I may have been technically "saved", but Lord knows I wasn't gonna get any reward when I got to heaven cause I didn't do anything for Him. Guess third time is the charm. Took hitting rock bottom for the 3rd time to realize where I kept going wrong.
"Yeah God you can handle the whole 'make sure I get to heaven' thing, but I'm gonna run my show down here." What a crock of crap! I didn't realize it at the time, but me trying to run my own life was like a civilian trying to command a Division on the battlefield. I'm definitely stubborn that's for sure. German and Cherokee when mixed apparently compound that issue. I'm definitely a Steelman when it comes to stubbornness even if I do have a different last name. Problem is, I've been stubborn towards the wrong one. Looking back, it was oh so obvious, but I was doing my own thing and didn't notice. And look at the pain it caused...not just for myself but to those close to me.
When the fecal matter hit the rotating prop I should have known better and turned to God but nope. I closed myself off and then tried to hide from God. Who am I that I could actually expect to hide from God? If I hadn't hurt people around me by doing it, it would actually be amusing looking back. I can't help but shake my head now. My inability to deal with adversity destroyed one relationship, then pure stupidity (and not learning from what God didn't want me to do) cost me another relationship, nearly completely annihilating what was once my closest (and one of the longest lasting) friendship in the process. That friendship is still in existence purely by the grace of God and I thank him for that, not to mention the breaths I still take.
That leads me into the next question I've struggled with for the last year and a half. Why am I still here? Had I driven the Camaro that day instead of the Grand Prix I would not have walked away from that wreck. And I still have absolutely no clue what made me decide to change cars at the last minute either. Took me quite a while before I finally realized that I will never know the answer to that question, at least not until I go to be with the Lord. All I know is there is a reason for me still being here. It just blows my mind though that He would still keep me here.
I am one of the most undeserving people of that type of grace (or any grace for that matter). I've squandered much of what I was given to start with, I didn't seek proper guidance on how to use those gifts either. And I badly abused those gifts. Boy am I glad I'm not God, cause I would have given up on this young buck sergeant a long time ago. There's still much uncertainty in my life, but nowhere does it say that the road will be easy. All I do know is that God is gonna provide. I also have a much clearer idea of where I'm going now than I have at any point in the last two years since I left Active Duty. How long it will take to get there, I have absolutely no clue because I am unable to see past the current roadblocks. I know God can see past it though, and I'm going to be content with him in the driver's seat. Cause that's where he belongs. Lord knows I proved that with the trail of destruction I left in my wake when I was driving.
Lastly, I've finally learned to embrace the entire man that God has molded me into, not just part of it. I've come to realize how creative God was when he molded me, both physically and mentally. I'm a redneck, a cowboy, a gearhead, a soldier, and a computer geek all rolled up into one. I never was one to think that I was anything out of the ordinary, that I wasn't worth anybody's time, that I didn't have anything special to compete with anybody else on. Apparently I was wrong. Talk about an interesting combination. Add to that list a writer as well. Cause apparently some people think my writing is beautiful and seemingly effortless. It's definitely not effortless, but it seems I have a talent in that area so I might as well embrace that as well...
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