Sometimes we just need to vent a bit

It's been a while since I've written. Quite a while as a matter of fact. A lot has changed in the last year and a half since my last post. But that's neither here nor there. As the title says, sometimes we need to vent a little bit. Get things off our chest, say things that we've been holding inside, sometimes for quite some time. Guess this is my time. This has been building for a few months now, and I almost wrote this on more than one occasion in the last six weeks or so, but I finally hit the final straw and have to let loose.

I'm sick and tired of just being a convenience. I feel like people want me around when it's convenient, or when it's fun, or when there's some sort of novelty, but as soon as it's no longer convenient, I'm no longer wanted.

There's no area in my life where I feel this more than with relationships. I definitely feel this way with some friends, almost like I'm the least important in the group, and wouldn't be missed if I stopped hanging out. But this is mainly about these feelings regarding relationships. I really haven't much of a love life the last few years, and I had hoped that being more selective would have improved my judgement on who to allow close to me. Apparently it has not. Once again, I let someone close to me, and once again, I got burned. It almost feels like I'm nothing more than a "He'll do for now till someone better comes along."

Granted, I don't see myself as that great of a catch. I don't have a lot of tangible value to offer, in fact I don't have much at all to offer. I'm very average looking at best, and I'm not one to go out all the time. I'd rather just hang out and have a low key day or evening then go out on the town. I'm not wealthy, nor will I likely ever be, but I can damn sure pay the bills, and have learned from my younger and dumber days to not spend more than I earn and to put a chunk of every paycheck into savings. I may not be able to buy a lot of new things, but I can fix a lot of things. From the house to the car to the computer and a lot of stuff in between, if it breaks, there's a good chance I can fix it. I think the fact that my daily driver has 285,000 miles and still reliably gets me from point A to point B proves that much. I also completely suck at expressing my feelings. But don't take that for meaning I don't have them. And if I say something, I mean it.

To be fair, I have more than my share of issues. I'm certainly no knight in shining armor. In fact, my armor is very much dulled and battered due to some very dark places I've been through in this journey known as life. I struggle almost daily with doubt, self worth, rejection, and at times, even my own faith is a struggle. I've struggled with depression on more than one occasion, which only magnifies the aforementioned struggles. I put on the facade that I'm ok and I can still function day to day for the most part, but it is most definitely a daily battle. I've lost count of how many times I've prayed for some of these burdens to be lifted, but I wonder sometimes if this is my version of the thorn in the flesh that Saint Paul referred to in his second letter to the Corinthians.

I've heard all the cliches. "Oh you'll find someone," "There's someone out there for you," "It just wasn't meant to be," etc. At this point, I've heard them so many times that they pretty much go in one ear and out the other. I'm not doubting that the people who are saying these cliches care, it's just that they do nothing to dull the pain and in many cases are just an automatic response. The most amusing to me (in almost a dark way) is "You deserve a lot better." Pretty sure you wouldn't have said that if it had worked out and I hadn't just had my heart shattered again. You only say that in hindsight. Many times it's the same people that are encouraging the relationship when it's going well who use these cliches the most when it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth trying a relationship again. It gets harder to pick up the pieces each time it's broken. The more rejection you face, the harder it is to allow anyone to get close enough to hurt you. And I've faced a lot of rejection in my life. I've had major surgery on two different joints to repair very painful injuries, and those pains don't compare to feeling the heartwarming touch of someone who "loves" you turn into the figurative cold blade of a knife stabbing straight into your heart.  I put "loves" in quotations because I'm using it very loosely. If they really loved you, they wouldn't put you through that kind of pain. And yet it's partially my fault too, as I obviously had to allow that person in close enough to be able to hurt me.

In a way, I almost feel like a pet. Everyone wants a puppy or kitten. They're all cute and cuddly. But, in some cases, once the novelty wears off and it's no longer convenient to have them, they end up getting kicked to the curb as a stray. I feel like those strays. Maybe I'll be lucky enough someday to find someone who is willing to take in this stray.

I read a quote yesterday. It said, "Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." My mom commented to add, "They also need to admit to their own baggage and allow you to help unpack." Hopefully I can find someone willing to help me unpack. I know I'll most likely struggle to some degree with many of the aforementioned things I currently struggle with till the day I die. If someone can accept me for who I am, I can promise the same in return, and I can promise that I'll help her unpack as well. I don't have much to offer, but I do have my heart, albeit in some pieces and probably missing a few at this point.

It's not much, but I do feel a little better having put these thoughts into words. I promise my next post will be happier, because moving home was the single best thing that has happened to me in years. Being close to family and being able to spend time with them has helped me weather this particular storm. That being said, family please stop bugging me about if I'm seeing anyone and, if not, why. For those few that read this, I'd appreciate your prayers. For those few friends who have been there for me and haven't tried to explain everything away, words cannot express my appreciation. If someone reads this who is going through the same thing, I don't have any answers, but I hope it helps you to realize that you're not the only one feeling these things.

Home

After a brutal summer at work, I'm in the middle of my two week vacation. Currently sitting over 700 miles from my residence, but I'm certainly "home." Unfortunately, on Friday I will be headed back to Tennessee. While I'm thankful to have a good job and friends near me who care about me, I've realized during this vacation that I will never be truly happy with where I'm at until I move back to Oklahoma. I always knew that Oklahoma would always be home for me, and Mom has been surprised that I have not moved back yet, but I didn't realize just how badly I want to move back.

I don't know if it will be in the next year, in the next 3 years, or the next 5 years. But I know without a doubt that this is where I belong. I just need to be patient for the opportunity to open up for me to move back. I honestly have no clue what that door is going to even look like when it opens. I just ask any who read this to pray for discernment and guidance on my part.

Coming back brought back a flood of memories. It happens every time I come home to visit, and I'm sure even more memories will flood back when I travel to Catoosa tomorrow and spend the next few days on the farm that I spent so much time on growing up. I learned many things on those rolling hills in Northeast Oklahoma. How to fish, how to hunt, how to ride, how to shoot, how to play sports, how to survive in the woods, how to navigate, how to set up camp, among many, many other things. I've come to realize that I want to teach my children those same things on those same rolling hills. It truly is home to me and always will be and, I've realized, is where I am meant to be eventually.

Even this is in God's timing though; and I still need to remain patient for the right door to open.

My Battle With Shame

I want to start by saying that, while I know not many people read my blogs, I hope someone with the same struggles will read this and know that they're not alone.

As we continue our walk, each of as has our own issue that we struggle with. Most of us have sins that we struggle with continually, but sometimes, the worst struggle isn't something we're currently doing, but past sins that are still haunting us. This is been my hardest struggle for quite a while now. My past continues to haunt me, and it brings me down again and again to the point where I sometimes feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything, and that I'm damaged goods.

So as far as the past sin goes, I used to be sexually active. Never married, so it was all in sin. Not only that, but I've been with multiple women. All but two women I've had sex with I was in a relationship with, but it was still sin nonetheless. I took something that only should have been shared with my future wife and gave it away. I won't lie, it felt great at the time, but after each relationship was over, I felt like another piece of me had been ripped away. I was not really walking with the Lord at the time, and as a result, after my last relationship, I was pretty much destroyed emotionally. I dove into a deep depression that I almost never climbed out of, but that's another story for another time.

After I started walking with the Lord, I knew I was forgiven, but my past sin continued to haunt me. It would impact my confidence and comfort opening up around fellow believers. I felt embarrassed about what I had done and while, if asked, I would mention past things that I had struggled with, I would never be specific about those struggles. Even to this day, I am still uncomfortable when talking about my past. I still feel the shame. At times, I even feel like I am damaged goods, so to speak, and that no Godly woman would ever want anything to do with me.

However, as look more into the word, I am reminded that God doesn't see us as "damaged goods." We're covered by the blood of Christ and made pure in his eyes. This doesn't mean we no longer sin, because we're not perfect and all of us sin. But it means that God doesn't use our past against us if we're his. Psalm 103:12 puts it great in that "As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." As one of my friends pointed out to me, if God still loves me despite my past sins, then why wouldn't someone truly seeking the Lord love me the same way? It is still a daily struggle (that I often fail) to remind myself that I am not damaged or somehow "unworthy" for whoever God has set aside for me. Just because God hasn't seen fit to put her in my life since doesn't mean he doesn't have that planned.

This is an issue that I know I will continue to struggle with for a long time. Probably even when that person is put into my life. But God is patient with me and so will whoever He places in my life. I'll also need to be patient with myself and not beat myself down over this. I need to stop seeing myself as somehow damaged or not worthy. I know this won't happen overnight, but by grace and mercy, the Lord will slowly transform me over time as he already has in other areas of my life.

Got smacked in the head with a 2x4

Not literally, of course, but figuratively. There's been a few things I've been struggling with lately, same sort of things that I struggle with from time to time, and this morning's sermon at church was God's way of smacking me in the head with a 2x4.

So I guess I'll start with what I've been struggling with. I never seem to think I'm adequate enough. I'm confident in my ability to complete tasks that are put before me, sometimes overly so to the point where some feel I'm cocky. Given proper training, I can learn just about anything and accomplish just about anything. If I don't know how, I'll learn. However, in other areas of my life, I feel like I just fall short, like I screw up everything I put my hands onto. There's no way I'll ever find a God-fearing woman who wants me because of my past, God can't use me like he can people who have spent a lot longer in the faith, etc. I spent way too much of my life in willing and open sin to ever amount to anything other than just barely avoiding eternal damnation by the skin of my teeth and will spend the rest of my time here on earth alone or else having to settle to have companionship. I always feel like if that doesn't get me, the fact that I'm a soldier and that I have to deploy (and am now trying to deploy) will keep any sane woman from ever wanting to be with me for any length of time. I'm just too ordinary of a guy and too much of damaged goods for anyone.

Yet today I got reminded that God doesn't look at the same things that we do. Just because we feel that we're worthless doesn't mean that we actually are. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Moses, and Paul are but a few of the people in the past that God has used despite their shortcomings. Abraham and Isaac were liars, more than once passing their wives off as their sisters to avoid perceived threats to themselves. Jacob sold Esau a meal for Esau's birthright, and later stole Esau's blessing from him. Esau in response schemed to murder Jacob. Moses had a short temper and was also a murderer. Paul murdered many in the early Church before God changed him and used him to be his primary instrument to convert the Gentiles. Even David, the man who the Bible describes as a man "after God's own heart," was a murderer, an adulterer, a polygamist, and constantly questioned God anytime things went against him. Yet all these people were used to advance the Kingdom.

Before I start thinking of myself as "not good enough," I need to remember that there is a plan for my life. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). I constantly need to be reminded of this. God has someone out there for me, he has a plan for my life, and I need to be reminded to maintain my hope in Him and His provision. I can't constantly look at myself and only see what I lack or where I fall short. Yes, I need to be aware of where I fall short before God, but not to the point where it hinders my looking forward and seeking out God's plan.

I've learned that one of my biggest faults as a person is that I am, by far, my own worst critic. Sometimes, in my own eyes, I can't do anything right, and because of that, I let it get me down. I strive for the highest of standards, and when I can't attain that (which no man ever can), I allow it to impact me in a manner that it shouldn't. I need to remember how, even when I only see the most negative aspects of myself, there are people out there who look at the positive aspects and that, in some form or fashion, there are gifts and aspects of me as a person that are a compliment to someone else.

Lastly, I cannot be doing another thing that I have been guilty of. That is, closing off areas of my life just because of other aspects of my life. Who am I to tell God "Hey you can have me, but don't do anything in the area of relationships cause I'm trying to deploy?" That's just asinine. I can't tell God where he can and can't work in my life. I need to keep myself open to any way that God might work in my life.

So, to wrap things up, I just need to sit back and let God work his way, in his plan that he has. Today's sermon really slammed that home for me today. I just need to keep remembering that, cause it always stings when I have to get smacked like that. Sometimes my stubborn nature is a good thing, sometimes it can be a hindrance. I need the wisdom to distinguish between the two. I also need the wisdom to stop looking at my inadequacies that I always can see in myself and stop being my own worst critic to the extent that I am. I may not think I have much to offer, but God has someone out there who does. He created me the way I am for a reason, and I need to learn to accept and appreciate who and what I am.

I know I won't learn everything overnight, but I pray that I continue to always make strides forward to becoming the man I should be.

Things I've learned lately....

So I've now worked at my new job for 3 weeks now. Night shift building seats for Nissan Altimas at Johnson Controls. Not the ideal job but it brings money in and the guys I work with are really cool. Bosses really like me as well. All good things for sure. But in 3 weeks I have learned a few things about myself...

1) My time on Active Duty really helped me in other aspects of my life. It has made me far more disciplined, far more dependable, and far more adaptable than I ever was before. My boss (and his boss) commented on how I was always early, always did what was asked of me, and was learning very quickly for someone who had never learned on an assembly line. I had to adapt quickly to many roles while at Fort Knox and it has definitely served me well in the 2 years since I left Knox.

2) I am far more determined than I ever thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I've always been stubborn and once I set my mind to something I'm going to get it done, but I never would have thought that I'd be willing to work anywhere from 45-60 hours a week while taking a full time load of college classes like I'm planning on doing in the fall (assuming the VA finally comes through or some other miracle happens). This is on top of my commitments to the Reserves which takes up a large chunk of time in between drill weekends, especially with me now being 2nd in command until the higher ranking guys get back from their mobilization. Being able to take a full load of classes is why I chose night shift though.

3) I am left handed. Yes, I am technically ambidextrous and yes, I write right handed better than I write left handed, but at this point I wonder how I even ended up writing right handed. I reach for tools left handed, I use drills left handed, I use impact wrenches left handed, I even eat and drink left handed. The last one I already knew (Dad used to give me all kinds of crap for that). For that matter, I'm even unsure how I ended up playing golf right handed. Various people in my life in the past have asked me if I were left side dominant and then one of the first things my coworkers asked me after watching me work was, "You're left handed???" I guess I'm a southpaw who happened to be taught how to do most things right handed.

There's more that I've learned but those are the biggies. Now that I've settled into a routine I'll likely start writing more again. Time for this southpaw to get another cup of coffee.

Fallen but not forgotten...

“Greater love hath no man but to lay down his life for a friend…” Every year, on the last Monday of the month of May, we step aside and remember those who embodied this ideal to the fullest. These are young men who went into the hell of war and came back in body bags. They were never famous, rarely wealthy, and many had no more than their immediate family waiting for them to come home. And yet they are the greatest heroes this nation has ever seen. Each time our nation has been at war, young men such as these have fought, bled, and laid down their lives in service to the United States. They selflessly set aside their fears, their hopes, and their dreams to contribute to something greater than themselves.

I had the privilege of being able to witness one of the more moving Memorial Day remembrances that I have ever seen. For the last three years several groups in Murfreesboro erect flags in a field on the outskirts of town. These flags represent people near and dear to local residents who did not make it home from the ravages of war. Hundreds of flags arranged in rows, each flag 2 feet from the next. Dress right dress, just as if those soldiers, airmen, seamen, and marines were all standing in a mass formation. This evening there was a ceremony to honor specifically those from Tennessee who had given the ultimate sacrifice. The most chilling part of this ceremony was the moment in which our elected officials (many of whom were veterans themselves) took turns reading the names of all those Tennesseans who had fallen in the line of battle since September 11, 2001. Much like seeing the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, D.C., it is a very chilling reminder of the terrible cost that our young men have paid to secure our freedoms.

To finish off the ceremony, a 21 gun salute was conducted followed immediately by an Army Staff Sergeant playing taps on the bugle. For those that have never heard taps and the 21 gun salute in person, it is one of the few events in life that will hit anybody to their very core. It is a feeling that words cannot truly describe. I have not had my time in the combat zone yet, but I pray that I’m half as selfless as these men were. I also pray that the citizens of our country understand and appreciate just what was sacrificed to secure their freedoms. Sometimes I wonder if that understanding has left many of our fellow countryman.

One thing that amazes me and continually catches me off guard is when children go out of their way to thank a servicemember or veteran. About 10 months ago I got off duty and went straight to a tractor pull. While I was there and chatting with some friends of mine who had a table set up, a little kid came up to me and asked for my autograph. I was speechless and nearly overcome with emotion. Flash forward to today; A little kid, a little younger than the one from before, came up and handed me a picture he had drawn and was determined to give it to someone in uniform if he saw one. Again, I was speechless to the point to where I could barely get a “thank you” out. Seeing children doing that to thank those who serves reminds me that there is still hope, and that when the Lord decides that it is time for me to pass the torch there will be another generation of soldiers to pass that torch to.

June 11 will mark 7 years since I enlisted into the Army. Coming up on re-enlistment, but I have never deployed overseas up until this point. This is a source of a great burden on my heart. I know many who never made it back, but it is often hard for me to deal with the fact that I have never myself been when so many others that I know have been to combat several times since I enlisted. I know it is all in God’s control at this point and I feel eventually I will see my time in combat. But for now, I will pray for those that are already there and for those that gave their lives already. May they rest in peace forever and may they NEVER be forgotten.

Another hurdle passed....

Passed a major hurdle a week ago. Ever since my wreck my body simply just has not been the same. Still isn't the same as there are some things that I still can't do to the degree that I was able to prior to the wreck. There are also some aches and pains (and numbness in the arm) that persist even now, almost 19 months from the day it happened. But, for the first time since my wreck, I passed the APFT (aka PT test). At one point I was beginning to wonder if I was physically capable of passing it. But the other NCOs in my unit kept on encouraging me and helped me to keep my head up. It finally paid off.

It's been a long road since the wreck. A lot of ups and downs. My body is certainly not the same either, and nor will it ever be. The Army saw fit to put me on a permanent profile where I don't do the two mile run. Instead I do the 2 1/2 mile walk and I have 34 minutes to complete that task. I was pissed beyond belief when I found out about it. It limited my career options and it prevents me from ever being a tanker again. However, after taking an APFT since then I realize that once again, God knows best. Due to my previous knee injury from basic training and my knee now deteriorating, simply doing a PT test was putting me in nearly unbearable pain. It was far easier to deal with my broken ankle than it was the knee. But now I can do a PT test and be in minimal pain, instead of barely being able to operate the clutch on the way home and barely being able to walk up the stairs. Yeah, it's sore but I can get up the next morning and still get around easily.

It's just amazing sometimes what you can do when you have the right kind of support. The senior NCOs in my unit would have had every right to just berate me every time I failed and leave it at that. But they didn't do that. They helped me come up with a plan of action and put it in place and they also continually encouraged me. That encouragement and support is a big reason why I was able to finally get to where I needed to be. You can set all the goals you want but if you don't have anyone behind you it makes it 100 times harder to accomplish that goal...