Not literally, of course, but figuratively. There's been a few things I've been struggling with lately, same sort of things that I struggle with from time to time, and this morning's sermon at church was God's way of smacking me in the head with a 2x4.
So I guess I'll start with what I've been struggling with. I never seem to think I'm adequate enough. I'm confident in my ability to complete tasks that are put before me, sometimes overly so to the point where some feel I'm cocky. Given proper training, I can learn just about anything and accomplish just about anything. If I don't know how, I'll learn. However, in other areas of my life, I feel like I just fall short, like I screw up everything I put my hands onto. There's no way I'll ever find a God-fearing woman who wants me because of my past, God can't use me like he can people who have spent a lot longer in the faith, etc. I spent way too much of my life in willing and open sin to ever amount to anything other than just barely avoiding eternal damnation by the skin of my teeth and will spend the rest of my time here on earth alone or else having to settle to have companionship. I always feel like if that doesn't get me, the fact that I'm a soldier and that I have to deploy (and am now trying to deploy) will keep any sane woman from ever wanting to be with me for any length of time. I'm just too ordinary of a guy and too much of damaged goods for anyone.
Yet today I got reminded that God doesn't look at the same things that we do. Just because we feel that we're worthless doesn't mean that we actually are. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Moses, and Paul are but a few of the people in the past that God has used despite their shortcomings. Abraham and Isaac were liars, more than once passing their wives off as their sisters to avoid perceived threats to themselves. Jacob sold Esau a meal for Esau's birthright, and later stole Esau's blessing from him. Esau in response schemed to murder Jacob. Moses had a short temper and was also a murderer. Paul murdered many in the early Church before God changed him and used him to be his primary instrument to convert the Gentiles. Even David, the man who the Bible describes as a man "after God's own heart," was a murderer, an adulterer, a polygamist, and constantly questioned God anytime things went against him. Yet all these people were used to advance the Kingdom.
Before I start thinking of myself as "not good enough," I need to remember that there is a plan for my life. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). I constantly need to be reminded of this. God has someone out there for me, he has a plan for my life, and I need to be reminded to maintain my hope in Him and His provision. I can't constantly look at myself and only see what I lack or where I fall short. Yes, I need to be aware of where I fall short before God, but not to the point where it hinders my looking forward and seeking out God's plan.
I've learned that one of my biggest faults as a person is that I am, by far, my own worst critic. Sometimes, in my own eyes, I can't do anything right, and because of that, I let it get me down. I strive for the highest of standards, and when I can't attain that (which no man ever can), I allow it to impact me in a manner that it shouldn't. I need to remember how, even when I only see the most negative aspects of myself, there are people out there who look at the positive aspects and that, in some form or fashion, there are gifts and aspects of me as a person that are a compliment to someone else.
Lastly, I cannot be doing another thing that I have been guilty of. That is, closing off areas of my life just because of other aspects of my life. Who am I to tell God "Hey you can have me, but don't do anything in the area of relationships cause I'm trying to deploy?" That's just asinine. I can't tell God where he can and can't work in my life. I need to keep myself open to any way that God might work in my life.
So, to wrap things up, I just need to sit back and let God work his way, in his plan that he has. Today's sermon really slammed that home for me today. I just need to keep remembering that, cause it always stings when I have to get smacked like that. Sometimes my stubborn nature is a good thing, sometimes it can be a hindrance. I need the wisdom to distinguish between the two. I also need the wisdom to stop looking at my inadequacies that I always can see in myself and stop being my own worst critic to the extent that I am. I may not think I have much to offer, but God has someone out there who does. He created me the way I am for a reason, and I need to learn to accept and appreciate who and what I am.
I know I won't learn everything overnight, but I pray that I continue to always make strides forward to becoming the man I should be.
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