I want to start by saying that, while I know not many people read my blogs, I hope someone with the same struggles will read this and know that they're not alone.
As we continue our walk, each of as has our own issue that we struggle with. Most of us have sins that we struggle with continually, but sometimes, the worst struggle isn't something we're currently doing, but past sins that are still haunting us. This is been my hardest struggle for quite a while now. My past continues to haunt me, and it brings me down again and again to the point where I sometimes feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything, and that I'm damaged goods.
So as far as the past sin goes, I used to be sexually active. Never married, so it was all in sin. Not only that, but I've been with multiple women. All but two women I've had sex with I was in a relationship with, but it was still sin nonetheless. I took something that only should have been shared with my future wife and gave it away. I won't lie, it felt great at the time, but after each relationship was over, I felt like another piece of me had been ripped away. I was not really walking with the Lord at the time, and as a result, after my last relationship, I was pretty much destroyed emotionally. I dove into a deep depression that I almost never climbed out of, but that's another story for another time.
After I started walking with the Lord, I knew I was forgiven, but my past sin continued to haunt me. It would impact my confidence and comfort opening up around fellow believers. I felt embarrassed about what I had done and while, if asked, I would mention past things that I had struggled with, I would never be specific about those struggles. Even to this day, I am still uncomfortable when talking about my past. I still feel the shame. At times, I even feel like I am damaged goods, so to speak, and that no Godly woman would ever want anything to do with me.
However, as look more into the word, I am reminded that God doesn't see us as "damaged goods." We're covered by the blood of Christ and made pure in his eyes. This doesn't mean we no longer sin, because we're not perfect and all of us sin. But it means that God doesn't use our past against us if we're his. Psalm 103:12 puts it great in that "As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." As one of my friends pointed out to me, if God still loves me despite my past sins, then why wouldn't someone truly seeking the Lord love me the same way? It is still a daily struggle (that I often fail) to remind myself that I am not damaged or somehow "unworthy" for whoever God has set aside for me. Just because God hasn't seen fit to put her in my life since doesn't mean he doesn't have that planned.
This is an issue that I know I will continue to struggle with for a long time. Probably even when that person is put into my life. But God is patient with me and so will whoever He places in my life. I'll also need to be patient with myself and not beat myself down over this. I need to stop seeing myself as somehow damaged or not worthy. I know this won't happen overnight, but by grace and mercy, the Lord will slowly transform me over time as he already has in other areas of my life.
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