It's been a while since I've written. Quite a while as a matter of fact. A lot has changed in the last year and a half since my last post. But that's neither here nor there. As the title says, sometimes we need to vent a little bit. Get things off our chest, say things that we've been holding inside, sometimes for quite some time. Guess this is my time. This has been building for a few months now, and I almost wrote this on more than one occasion in the last six weeks or so, but I finally hit the final straw and have to let loose.
I'm sick and tired of just being a convenience. I feel like people want me around when it's convenient, or when it's fun, or when there's some sort of novelty, but as soon as it's no longer convenient, I'm no longer wanted.
There's no area in my life where I feel this more than with relationships. I definitely feel this way with some friends, almost like I'm the least important in the group, and wouldn't be missed if I stopped hanging out. But this is mainly about these feelings regarding relationships. I really haven't much of a love life the last few years, and I had hoped that being more selective would have improved my judgement on who to allow close to me. Apparently it has not. Once again, I let someone close to me, and once again, I got burned. It almost feels like I'm nothing more than a "He'll do for now till someone better comes along."
Granted, I don't see myself as that great of a catch. I don't have a lot of tangible value to offer, in fact I don't have much at all to offer. I'm very average looking at best, and I'm not one to go out all the time. I'd rather just hang out and have a low key day or evening then go out on the town. I'm not wealthy, nor will I likely ever be, but I can damn sure pay the bills, and have learned from my younger and dumber days to not spend more than I earn and to put a chunk of every paycheck into savings. I may not be able to buy a lot of new things, but I can fix a lot of things. From the house to the car to the computer and a lot of stuff in between, if it breaks, there's a good chance I can fix it. I think the fact that my daily driver has 285,000 miles and still reliably gets me from point A to point B proves that much. I also completely suck at expressing my feelings. But don't take that for meaning I don't have them. And if I say something, I mean it.
To be fair, I have more than my share of issues. I'm certainly no knight in shining armor. In fact, my armor is very much dulled and battered due to some very dark places I've been through in this journey known as life. I struggle almost daily with doubt, self worth, rejection, and at times, even my own faith is a struggle. I've struggled with depression on more than one occasion, which only magnifies the aforementioned struggles. I put on the facade that I'm ok and I can still function day to day for the most part, but it is most definitely a daily battle. I've lost count of how many times I've prayed for some of these burdens to be lifted, but I wonder sometimes if this is my version of the thorn in the flesh that Saint Paul referred to in his second letter to the Corinthians.
I've heard all the cliches. "Oh you'll find someone," "There's someone out there for you," "It just wasn't meant to be," etc. At this point, I've heard them so many times that they pretty much go in one ear and out the other. I'm not doubting that the people who are saying these cliches care, it's just that they do nothing to dull the pain and in many cases are just an automatic response. The most amusing to me (in almost a dark way) is "You deserve a lot better." Pretty sure you wouldn't have said that if it had worked out and I hadn't just had my heart shattered again. You only say that in hindsight. Many times it's the same people that are encouraging the relationship when it's going well who use these cliches the most when it all goes to hell in a handbasket.
Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth trying a relationship again. It gets harder to pick up the pieces each time it's broken. The more rejection you face, the harder it is to allow anyone to get close enough to hurt you. And I've faced a lot of rejection in my life. I've had major surgery on two different joints to repair very painful injuries, and those pains don't compare to feeling the heartwarming touch of someone who "loves" you turn into the figurative cold blade of a knife stabbing straight into your heart. I put "loves" in quotations because I'm using it very loosely. If they really loved you, they wouldn't put you through that kind of pain. And yet it's partially my fault too, as I obviously had to allow that person in close enough to be able to hurt me.
In a way, I almost feel like a pet. Everyone wants a puppy or kitten. They're all cute and cuddly. But, in some cases, once the novelty wears off and it's no longer convenient to have them, they end up getting kicked to the curb as a stray. I feel like those strays. Maybe I'll be lucky enough someday to find someone who is willing to take in this stray.
I read a quote yesterday. It said, "Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." My mom commented to add, "They also need to admit to their own baggage and allow you to help unpack." Hopefully I can find someone willing to help me unpack. I know I'll most likely struggle to some degree with many of the aforementioned things I currently struggle with till the day I die. If someone can accept me for who I am, I can promise the same in return, and I can promise that I'll help her unpack as well. I don't have much to offer, but I do have my heart, albeit in some pieces and probably missing a few at this point.
It's not much, but I do feel a little better having put these thoughts into words. I promise my next post will be happier, because moving home was the single best thing that has happened to me in years. Being close to family and being able to spend time with them has helped me weather this particular storm. That being said, family please stop bugging me about if I'm seeing anyone and, if not, why. For those few that read this, I'd appreciate your prayers. For those few friends who have been there for me and haven't tried to explain everything away, words cannot express my appreciation. If someone reads this who is going through the same thing, I don't have any answers, but I hope it helps you to realize that you're not the only one feeling these things.
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