After a brutal summer at work, I'm in the middle of my two week vacation. Currently sitting over 700 miles from my residence, but I'm certainly "home." Unfortunately, on Friday I will be headed back to Tennessee. While I'm thankful to have a good job and friends near me who care about me, I've realized during this vacation that I will never be truly happy with where I'm at until I move back to Oklahoma. I always knew that Oklahoma would always be home for me, and Mom has been surprised that I have not moved back yet, but I didn't realize just how badly I want to move back.
I don't know if it will be in the next year, in the next 3 years, or the next 5 years. But I know without a doubt that this is where I belong. I just need to be patient for the opportunity to open up for me to move back. I honestly have no clue what that door is going to even look like when it opens. I just ask any who read this to pray for discernment and guidance on my part.
Coming back brought back a flood of memories. It happens every time I come home to visit, and I'm sure even more memories will flood back when I travel to Catoosa tomorrow and spend the next few days on the farm that I spent so much time on growing up. I learned many things on those rolling hills in Northeast Oklahoma. How to fish, how to hunt, how to ride, how to shoot, how to play sports, how to survive in the woods, how to navigate, how to set up camp, among many, many other things. I've come to realize that I want to teach my children those same things on those same rolling hills. It truly is home to me and always will be and, I've realized, is where I am meant to be eventually.
Even this is in God's timing though; and I still need to remain patient for the right door to open.
03 September 2012
04 July 2012
My Battle With Shame
I want to start by saying that, while I know not many people read my blogs, I hope someone with the same struggles will read this and know that they're not alone.
As we continue our walk, each of as has our own issue that we struggle with. Most of us have sins that we struggle with continually, but sometimes, the worst struggle isn't something we're currently doing, but past sins that are still haunting us. This is been my hardest struggle for quite a while now. My past continues to haunt me, and it brings me down again and again to the point where I sometimes feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything, and that I'm damaged goods.
So as far as the past sin goes, I used to be sexually active. Never married, so it was all in sin. Not only that, but I've been with multiple women. All but two women I've had sex with I was in a relationship with, but it was still sin nonetheless. I took something that only should have been shared with my future wife and gave it away. I won't lie, it felt great at the time, but after each relationship was over, I felt like another piece of me had been ripped away. I was not really walking with the Lord at the time, and as a result, after my last relationship, I was pretty much destroyed emotionally. I dove into a deep depression that I almost never climbed out of, but that's another story for another time.
After I started walking with the Lord, I knew I was forgiven, but my past sin continued to haunt me. It would impact my confidence and comfort opening up around fellow believers. I felt embarrassed about what I had done and while, if asked, I would mention past things that I had struggled with, I would never be specific about those struggles. Even to this day, I am still uncomfortable when talking about my past. I still feel the shame. At times, I even feel like I am damaged goods, so to speak, and that no Godly woman would ever want anything to do with me.
However, as look more into the word, I am reminded that God doesn't see us as "damaged goods." We're covered by the blood of Christ and made pure in his eyes. This doesn't mean we no longer sin, because we're not perfect and all of us sin. But it means that God doesn't use our past against us if we're his. Psalm 103:12 puts it great in that "As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." As one of my friends pointed out to me, if God still loves me despite my past sins, then why wouldn't someone truly seeking the Lord love me the same way? It is still a daily struggle (that I often fail) to remind myself that I am not damaged or somehow "unworthy" for whoever God has set aside for me. Just because God hasn't seen fit to put her in my life since doesn't mean he doesn't have that planned.
This is an issue that I know I will continue to struggle with for a long time. Probably even when that person is put into my life. But God is patient with me and so will whoever He places in my life. I'll also need to be patient with myself and not beat myself down over this. I need to stop seeing myself as somehow damaged or not worthy. I know this won't happen overnight, but by grace and mercy, the Lord will slowly transform me over time as he already has in other areas of my life.
As we continue our walk, each of as has our own issue that we struggle with. Most of us have sins that we struggle with continually, but sometimes, the worst struggle isn't something we're currently doing, but past sins that are still haunting us. This is been my hardest struggle for quite a while now. My past continues to haunt me, and it brings me down again and again to the point where I sometimes feel like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything, and that I'm damaged goods.
So as far as the past sin goes, I used to be sexually active. Never married, so it was all in sin. Not only that, but I've been with multiple women. All but two women I've had sex with I was in a relationship with, but it was still sin nonetheless. I took something that only should have been shared with my future wife and gave it away. I won't lie, it felt great at the time, but after each relationship was over, I felt like another piece of me had been ripped away. I was not really walking with the Lord at the time, and as a result, after my last relationship, I was pretty much destroyed emotionally. I dove into a deep depression that I almost never climbed out of, but that's another story for another time.
After I started walking with the Lord, I knew I was forgiven, but my past sin continued to haunt me. It would impact my confidence and comfort opening up around fellow believers. I felt embarrassed about what I had done and while, if asked, I would mention past things that I had struggled with, I would never be specific about those struggles. Even to this day, I am still uncomfortable when talking about my past. I still feel the shame. At times, I even feel like I am damaged goods, so to speak, and that no Godly woman would ever want anything to do with me.
However, as look more into the word, I am reminded that God doesn't see us as "damaged goods." We're covered by the blood of Christ and made pure in his eyes. This doesn't mean we no longer sin, because we're not perfect and all of us sin. But it means that God doesn't use our past against us if we're his. Psalm 103:12 puts it great in that "As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." As one of my friends pointed out to me, if God still loves me despite my past sins, then why wouldn't someone truly seeking the Lord love me the same way? It is still a daily struggle (that I often fail) to remind myself that I am not damaged or somehow "unworthy" for whoever God has set aside for me. Just because God hasn't seen fit to put her in my life since doesn't mean he doesn't have that planned.
This is an issue that I know I will continue to struggle with for a long time. Probably even when that person is put into my life. But God is patient with me and so will whoever He places in my life. I'll also need to be patient with myself and not beat myself down over this. I need to stop seeing myself as somehow damaged or not worthy. I know this won't happen overnight, but by grace and mercy, the Lord will slowly transform me over time as he already has in other areas of my life.
15 January 2012
Got smacked in the head with a 2x4
Not literally, of course, but figuratively. There's been a few things I've been struggling with lately, same sort of things that I struggle with from time to time, and this morning's sermon at church was God's way of smacking me in the head with a 2x4.
So I guess I'll start with what I've been struggling with. I never seem to think I'm adequate enough. I'm confident in my ability to complete tasks that are put before me, sometimes overly so to the point where some feel I'm cocky. Given proper training, I can learn just about anything and accomplish just about anything. If I don't know how, I'll learn. However, in other areas of my life, I feel like I just fall short, like I screw up everything I put my hands onto. There's no way I'll ever find a God-fearing woman who wants me because of my past, God can't use me like he can people who have spent a lot longer in the faith, etc. I spent way too much of my life in willing and open sin to ever amount to anything other than just barely avoiding eternal damnation by the skin of my teeth and will spend the rest of my time here on earth alone or else having to settle to have companionship. I always feel like if that doesn't get me, the fact that I'm a soldier and that I have to deploy (and am now trying to deploy) will keep any sane woman from ever wanting to be with me for any length of time. I'm just too ordinary of a guy and too much of damaged goods for anyone.
Yet today I got reminded that God doesn't look at the same things that we do. Just because we feel that we're worthless doesn't mean that we actually are. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Moses, and Paul are but a few of the people in the past that God has used despite their shortcomings. Abraham and Isaac were liars, more than once passing their wives off as their sisters to avoid perceived threats to themselves. Jacob sold Esau a meal for Esau's birthright, and later stole Esau's blessing from him. Esau in response schemed to murder Jacob. Moses had a short temper and was also a murderer. Paul murdered many in the early Church before God changed him and used him to be his primary instrument to convert the Gentiles. Even David, the man who the Bible describes as a man "after God's own heart," was a murderer, an adulterer, a polygamist, and constantly questioned God anytime things went against him. Yet all these people were used to advance the Kingdom.
Before I start thinking of myself as "not good enough," I need to remember that there is a plan for my life. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). I constantly need to be reminded of this. God has someone out there for me, he has a plan for my life, and I need to be reminded to maintain my hope in Him and His provision. I can't constantly look at myself and only see what I lack or where I fall short. Yes, I need to be aware of where I fall short before God, but not to the point where it hinders my looking forward and seeking out God's plan.
I've learned that one of my biggest faults as a person is that I am, by far, my own worst critic. Sometimes, in my own eyes, I can't do anything right, and because of that, I let it get me down. I strive for the highest of standards, and when I can't attain that (which no man ever can), I allow it to impact me in a manner that it shouldn't. I need to remember how, even when I only see the most negative aspects of myself, there are people out there who look at the positive aspects and that, in some form or fashion, there are gifts and aspects of me as a person that are a compliment to someone else.
Lastly, I cannot be doing another thing that I have been guilty of. That is, closing off areas of my life just because of other aspects of my life. Who am I to tell God "Hey you can have me, but don't do anything in the area of relationships cause I'm trying to deploy?" That's just asinine. I can't tell God where he can and can't work in my life. I need to keep myself open to any way that God might work in my life.
So, to wrap things up, I just need to sit back and let God work his way, in his plan that he has. Today's sermon really slammed that home for me today. I just need to keep remembering that, cause it always stings when I have to get smacked like that. Sometimes my stubborn nature is a good thing, sometimes it can be a hindrance. I need the wisdom to distinguish between the two. I also need the wisdom to stop looking at my inadequacies that I always can see in myself and stop being my own worst critic to the extent that I am. I may not think I have much to offer, but God has someone out there who does. He created me the way I am for a reason, and I need to learn to accept and appreciate who and what I am.
I know I won't learn everything overnight, but I pray that I continue to always make strides forward to becoming the man I should be.
So I guess I'll start with what I've been struggling with. I never seem to think I'm adequate enough. I'm confident in my ability to complete tasks that are put before me, sometimes overly so to the point where some feel I'm cocky. Given proper training, I can learn just about anything and accomplish just about anything. If I don't know how, I'll learn. However, in other areas of my life, I feel like I just fall short, like I screw up everything I put my hands onto. There's no way I'll ever find a God-fearing woman who wants me because of my past, God can't use me like he can people who have spent a lot longer in the faith, etc. I spent way too much of my life in willing and open sin to ever amount to anything other than just barely avoiding eternal damnation by the skin of my teeth and will spend the rest of my time here on earth alone or else having to settle to have companionship. I always feel like if that doesn't get me, the fact that I'm a soldier and that I have to deploy (and am now trying to deploy) will keep any sane woman from ever wanting to be with me for any length of time. I'm just too ordinary of a guy and too much of damaged goods for anyone.
Yet today I got reminded that God doesn't look at the same things that we do. Just because we feel that we're worthless doesn't mean that we actually are. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Moses, and Paul are but a few of the people in the past that God has used despite their shortcomings. Abraham and Isaac were liars, more than once passing their wives off as their sisters to avoid perceived threats to themselves. Jacob sold Esau a meal for Esau's birthright, and later stole Esau's blessing from him. Esau in response schemed to murder Jacob. Moses had a short temper and was also a murderer. Paul murdered many in the early Church before God changed him and used him to be his primary instrument to convert the Gentiles. Even David, the man who the Bible describes as a man "after God's own heart," was a murderer, an adulterer, a polygamist, and constantly questioned God anytime things went against him. Yet all these people were used to advance the Kingdom.
Before I start thinking of myself as "not good enough," I need to remember that there is a plan for my life. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). I constantly need to be reminded of this. God has someone out there for me, he has a plan for my life, and I need to be reminded to maintain my hope in Him and His provision. I can't constantly look at myself and only see what I lack or where I fall short. Yes, I need to be aware of where I fall short before God, but not to the point where it hinders my looking forward and seeking out God's plan.
I've learned that one of my biggest faults as a person is that I am, by far, my own worst critic. Sometimes, in my own eyes, I can't do anything right, and because of that, I let it get me down. I strive for the highest of standards, and when I can't attain that (which no man ever can), I allow it to impact me in a manner that it shouldn't. I need to remember how, even when I only see the most negative aspects of myself, there are people out there who look at the positive aspects and that, in some form or fashion, there are gifts and aspects of me as a person that are a compliment to someone else.
Lastly, I cannot be doing another thing that I have been guilty of. That is, closing off areas of my life just because of other aspects of my life. Who am I to tell God "Hey you can have me, but don't do anything in the area of relationships cause I'm trying to deploy?" That's just asinine. I can't tell God where he can and can't work in my life. I need to keep myself open to any way that God might work in my life.
So, to wrap things up, I just need to sit back and let God work his way, in his plan that he has. Today's sermon really slammed that home for me today. I just need to keep remembering that, cause it always stings when I have to get smacked like that. Sometimes my stubborn nature is a good thing, sometimes it can be a hindrance. I need the wisdom to distinguish between the two. I also need the wisdom to stop looking at my inadequacies that I always can see in myself and stop being my own worst critic to the extent that I am. I may not think I have much to offer, but God has someone out there who does. He created me the way I am for a reason, and I need to learn to accept and appreciate who and what I am.
I know I won't learn everything overnight, but I pray that I continue to always make strides forward to becoming the man I should be.
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