Got smacked in the head with a 2x4

Not literally, of course, but figuratively. There's been a few things I've been struggling with lately, same sort of things that I struggle with from time to time, and this morning's sermon at church was God's way of smacking me in the head with a 2x4.

So I guess I'll start with what I've been struggling with. I never seem to think I'm adequate enough. I'm confident in my ability to complete tasks that are put before me, sometimes overly so to the point where some feel I'm cocky. Given proper training, I can learn just about anything and accomplish just about anything. If I don't know how, I'll learn. However, in other areas of my life, I feel like I just fall short, like I screw up everything I put my hands onto. There's no way I'll ever find a God-fearing woman who wants me because of my past, God can't use me like he can people who have spent a lot longer in the faith, etc. I spent way too much of my life in willing and open sin to ever amount to anything other than just barely avoiding eternal damnation by the skin of my teeth and will spend the rest of my time here on earth alone or else having to settle to have companionship. I always feel like if that doesn't get me, the fact that I'm a soldier and that I have to deploy (and am now trying to deploy) will keep any sane woman from ever wanting to be with me for any length of time. I'm just too ordinary of a guy and too much of damaged goods for anyone.

Yet today I got reminded that God doesn't look at the same things that we do. Just because we feel that we're worthless doesn't mean that we actually are. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Moses, and Paul are but a few of the people in the past that God has used despite their shortcomings. Abraham and Isaac were liars, more than once passing their wives off as their sisters to avoid perceived threats to themselves. Jacob sold Esau a meal for Esau's birthright, and later stole Esau's blessing from him. Esau in response schemed to murder Jacob. Moses had a short temper and was also a murderer. Paul murdered many in the early Church before God changed him and used him to be his primary instrument to convert the Gentiles. Even David, the man who the Bible describes as a man "after God's own heart," was a murderer, an adulterer, a polygamist, and constantly questioned God anytime things went against him. Yet all these people were used to advance the Kingdom.

Before I start thinking of myself as "not good enough," I need to remember that there is a plan for my life. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). I constantly need to be reminded of this. God has someone out there for me, he has a plan for my life, and I need to be reminded to maintain my hope in Him and His provision. I can't constantly look at myself and only see what I lack or where I fall short. Yes, I need to be aware of where I fall short before God, but not to the point where it hinders my looking forward and seeking out God's plan.

I've learned that one of my biggest faults as a person is that I am, by far, my own worst critic. Sometimes, in my own eyes, I can't do anything right, and because of that, I let it get me down. I strive for the highest of standards, and when I can't attain that (which no man ever can), I allow it to impact me in a manner that it shouldn't. I need to remember how, even when I only see the most negative aspects of myself, there are people out there who look at the positive aspects and that, in some form or fashion, there are gifts and aspects of me as a person that are a compliment to someone else.

Lastly, I cannot be doing another thing that I have been guilty of. That is, closing off areas of my life just because of other aspects of my life. Who am I to tell God "Hey you can have me, but don't do anything in the area of relationships cause I'm trying to deploy?" That's just asinine. I can't tell God where he can and can't work in my life. I need to keep myself open to any way that God might work in my life.

So, to wrap things up, I just need to sit back and let God work his way, in his plan that he has. Today's sermon really slammed that home for me today. I just need to keep remembering that, cause it always stings when I have to get smacked like that. Sometimes my stubborn nature is a good thing, sometimes it can be a hindrance. I need the wisdom to distinguish between the two. I also need the wisdom to stop looking at my inadequacies that I always can see in myself and stop being my own worst critic to the extent that I am. I may not think I have much to offer, but God has someone out there who does. He created me the way I am for a reason, and I need to learn to accept and appreciate who and what I am.

I know I won't learn everything overnight, but I pray that I continue to always make strides forward to becoming the man I should be.

Things I've learned lately....

So I've now worked at my new job for 3 weeks now. Night shift building seats for Nissan Altimas at Johnson Controls. Not the ideal job but it brings money in and the guys I work with are really cool. Bosses really like me as well. All good things for sure. But in 3 weeks I have learned a few things about myself...

1) My time on Active Duty really helped me in other aspects of my life. It has made me far more disciplined, far more dependable, and far more adaptable than I ever was before. My boss (and his boss) commented on how I was always early, always did what was asked of me, and was learning very quickly for someone who had never learned on an assembly line. I had to adapt quickly to many roles while at Fort Knox and it has definitely served me well in the 2 years since I left Knox.

2) I am far more determined than I ever thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I've always been stubborn and once I set my mind to something I'm going to get it done, but I never would have thought that I'd be willing to work anywhere from 45-60 hours a week while taking a full time load of college classes like I'm planning on doing in the fall (assuming the VA finally comes through or some other miracle happens). This is on top of my commitments to the Reserves which takes up a large chunk of time in between drill weekends, especially with me now being 2nd in command until the higher ranking guys get back from their mobilization. Being able to take a full load of classes is why I chose night shift though.

3) I am left handed. Yes, I am technically ambidextrous and yes, I write right handed better than I write left handed, but at this point I wonder how I even ended up writing right handed. I reach for tools left handed, I use drills left handed, I use impact wrenches left handed, I even eat and drink left handed. The last one I already knew (Dad used to give me all kinds of crap for that). For that matter, I'm even unsure how I ended up playing golf right handed. Various people in my life in the past have asked me if I were left side dominant and then one of the first things my coworkers asked me after watching me work was, "You're left handed???" I guess I'm a southpaw who happened to be taught how to do most things right handed.

There's more that I've learned but those are the biggies. Now that I've settled into a routine I'll likely start writing more again. Time for this southpaw to get another cup of coffee.

Fallen but not forgotten...

“Greater love hath no man but to lay down his life for a friend…” Every year, on the last Monday of the month of May, we step aside and remember those who embodied this ideal to the fullest. These are young men who went into the hell of war and came back in body bags. They were never famous, rarely wealthy, and many had no more than their immediate family waiting for them to come home. And yet they are the greatest heroes this nation has ever seen. Each time our nation has been at war, young men such as these have fought, bled, and laid down their lives in service to the United States. They selflessly set aside their fears, their hopes, and their dreams to contribute to something greater than themselves.

I had the privilege of being able to witness one of the more moving Memorial Day remembrances that I have ever seen. For the last three years several groups in Murfreesboro erect flags in a field on the outskirts of town. These flags represent people near and dear to local residents who did not make it home from the ravages of war. Hundreds of flags arranged in rows, each flag 2 feet from the next. Dress right dress, just as if those soldiers, airmen, seamen, and marines were all standing in a mass formation. This evening there was a ceremony to honor specifically those from Tennessee who had given the ultimate sacrifice. The most chilling part of this ceremony was the moment in which our elected officials (many of whom were veterans themselves) took turns reading the names of all those Tennesseans who had fallen in the line of battle since September 11, 2001. Much like seeing the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, D.C., it is a very chilling reminder of the terrible cost that our young men have paid to secure our freedoms.

To finish off the ceremony, a 21 gun salute was conducted followed immediately by an Army Staff Sergeant playing taps on the bugle. For those that have never heard taps and the 21 gun salute in person, it is one of the few events in life that will hit anybody to their very core. It is a feeling that words cannot truly describe. I have not had my time in the combat zone yet, but I pray that I’m half as selfless as these men were. I also pray that the citizens of our country understand and appreciate just what was sacrificed to secure their freedoms. Sometimes I wonder if that understanding has left many of our fellow countryman.

One thing that amazes me and continually catches me off guard is when children go out of their way to thank a servicemember or veteran. About 10 months ago I got off duty and went straight to a tractor pull. While I was there and chatting with some friends of mine who had a table set up, a little kid came up to me and asked for my autograph. I was speechless and nearly overcome with emotion. Flash forward to today; A little kid, a little younger than the one from before, came up and handed me a picture he had drawn and was determined to give it to someone in uniform if he saw one. Again, I was speechless to the point to where I could barely get a “thank you” out. Seeing children doing that to thank those who serves reminds me that there is still hope, and that when the Lord decides that it is time for me to pass the torch there will be another generation of soldiers to pass that torch to.

June 11 will mark 7 years since I enlisted into the Army. Coming up on re-enlistment, but I have never deployed overseas up until this point. This is a source of a great burden on my heart. I know many who never made it back, but it is often hard for me to deal with the fact that I have never myself been when so many others that I know have been to combat several times since I enlisted. I know it is all in God’s control at this point and I feel eventually I will see my time in combat. But for now, I will pray for those that are already there and for those that gave their lives already. May they rest in peace forever and may they NEVER be forgotten.

Another hurdle passed....

Passed a major hurdle a week ago. Ever since my wreck my body simply just has not been the same. Still isn't the same as there are some things that I still can't do to the degree that I was able to prior to the wreck. There are also some aches and pains (and numbness in the arm) that persist even now, almost 19 months from the day it happened. But, for the first time since my wreck, I passed the APFT (aka PT test). At one point I was beginning to wonder if I was physically capable of passing it. But the other NCOs in my unit kept on encouraging me and helped me to keep my head up. It finally paid off.

It's been a long road since the wreck. A lot of ups and downs. My body is certainly not the same either, and nor will it ever be. The Army saw fit to put me on a permanent profile where I don't do the two mile run. Instead I do the 2 1/2 mile walk and I have 34 minutes to complete that task. I was pissed beyond belief when I found out about it. It limited my career options and it prevents me from ever being a tanker again. However, after taking an APFT since then I realize that once again, God knows best. Due to my previous knee injury from basic training and my knee now deteriorating, simply doing a PT test was putting me in nearly unbearable pain. It was far easier to deal with my broken ankle than it was the knee. But now I can do a PT test and be in minimal pain, instead of barely being able to operate the clutch on the way home and barely being able to walk up the stairs. Yeah, it's sore but I can get up the next morning and still get around easily.

It's just amazing sometimes what you can do when you have the right kind of support. The senior NCOs in my unit would have had every right to just berate me every time I failed and leave it at that. But they didn't do that. They helped me come up with a plan of action and put it in place and they also continually encouraged me. That encouragement and support is a big reason why I was able to finally get to where I needed to be. You can set all the goals you want but if you don't have anyone behind you it makes it 100 times harder to accomplish that goal...

Is it bad that I have 5 computers in my room?

Kind of amazing how technology rolls along. I can communicate with everyone via Facebook or email. I can hit a few keys on a phone and carry on a conversation with someone without saying a word. Cars have computers that optimize power and efficiency. Although, to be honest, some of that on cars is needlessly complicating repairs. Cars have to stay in the shop longer, it costs customers more money and it costs mechanics more money just to keep their doors open.

But I digress. Another fun thing is I can play Xbox with friends of mine in another state. And now a new piece of technology has been introduced to the equation: Skype. So not only can we hear each other cussing up a storm or yelling out various expressions (my Southern expressions crack everyone up), but now we can see the looks on each others faces. This is particularly amusing during 1 on 1 action.

But anyway yeah this is short and to the point. Technology is advancing quickly, and I'm lucky enough to be going into a career where I get to see it first hand and possibly even participate in these advancements. It's also fun to utilize technology as it comes out. So that's all for now. Oh, btw is it a bad thing that I have 5 computers in my room? 2 desktops, 2 personal laptops, and a government issue laptop. In addition to this I have plenty of parts laying around as well, and will have yet another desktop as soon as I have the income to order parts. Wow, I really am a geek.

So I've been told....

Apparently I should start writing again. Some people say it seems to flow seamlessly from one phrase to the next. Others say my writing is "beautiful" (mainly my ex, who still holds to that claim). And yet every time I put the pen to the paper, I continually second-guess myself. I guess that's one of my faults in life in general though. I see it again and again every time I look in the mirror. I assume that just because everything goes to hell in a handbasket I must have screwed up somewhere along the line. Guess that's not always the case. I've certainly screwed up my share along the way, I won't lie there. Up until the last 6 or so months, I never truly walked with God. Yeah, I may have been technically "saved", but Lord knows I wasn't gonna get any reward when I got to heaven cause I didn't do anything for Him. Guess third time is the charm. Took hitting rock bottom for the 3rd time to realize where I kept going wrong.

"Yeah God you can handle the whole 'make sure I get to heaven' thing, but I'm gonna run my show down here." What a crock of crap! I didn't realize it at the time, but me trying to run my own life was like a civilian trying to command a Division on the battlefield. I'm definitely stubborn that's for sure. German and Cherokee when mixed apparently compound that issue. I'm definitely a Steelman when it comes to stubbornness even if I do have a different last name. Problem is, I've been stubborn towards the wrong one. Looking back, it was oh so obvious, but I was doing my own thing and didn't notice. And look at the pain it caused...not just for myself but to those close to me.

When the fecal matter hit the rotating prop I should have known better and turned to God but nope. I closed myself off and then tried to hide from God. Who am I that I could actually expect to hide from God? If I hadn't hurt people around me by doing it, it would actually be amusing looking back. I can't help but shake my head now. My inability to deal with adversity destroyed one relationship, then pure stupidity (and not learning from what God didn't want me to do) cost me another relationship, nearly completely annihilating what was once my closest (and one of the longest lasting) friendship in the process. That friendship is still in existence purely by the grace of God and I thank him for that, not to mention the breaths I still take.

That leads me into the next question I've struggled with for the last year and a half. Why am I still here? Had I driven the Camaro that day instead of the Grand Prix I would not have walked away from that wreck. And I still have absolutely no clue what made me decide to change cars at the last minute either. Took me quite a while before I finally realized that I will never know the answer to that question, at least not until I go to be with the Lord. All I know is there is a reason for me still being here. It just blows my mind though that He would still keep me here.

I am one of the most undeserving people of that type of grace (or any grace for that matter). I've squandered much of what I was given to start with, I didn't seek proper guidance on how to use those gifts either. And I badly abused those gifts. Boy am I glad I'm not God, cause I would have given up on this young buck sergeant a long time ago. There's still much uncertainty in my life, but nowhere does it say that the road will be easy. All I do know is that God is gonna provide. I also have a much clearer idea of where I'm going now than I have at any point in the last two years since I left Active Duty. How long it will take to get there, I have absolutely no clue because I am unable to see past the current roadblocks. I know God can see past it though, and I'm going to be content with him in the driver's seat. Cause that's where he belongs. Lord knows I proved that with the trail of destruction I left in my wake when I was driving.

Lastly, I've finally learned to embrace the entire man that God has molded me into, not just part of it. I've come to realize how creative God was when he molded me, both physically and mentally. I'm a redneck, a cowboy, a gearhead, a soldier, and a computer geek all rolled up into one. I never was one to think that I was anything out of the ordinary, that I wasn't worth anybody's time, that I didn't have anything special to compete with anybody else on. Apparently I was wrong. Talk about an interesting combination. Add to that list a writer as well. Cause apparently some people think my writing is beautiful and seemingly effortless. It's definitely not effortless, but it seems I have a talent in that area so I might as well embrace that as well...

Call to Battle

How does one keep getting back up? Bruised, battered, and broken I slowly stagger back to my feet. I don't know how much farther I can sustain this, how much farther I can press on through this continual beating. Even the strongest men eventually fall, the strongest hearts eventually break, the strongest souls eventually falter. My strength is quickly fading, and the battle is getting more intense, the storm more fierce. The storm raging within my heart grows stronger by the day. I cry out to God daily to lift this burden, to take this weight off my shoulders. But the thunder rolls on, the storm continues. The crushing winds knock trees down into my path. The load on my back gets even heavier as if each body bag returning goes straight into my rucksack. I keep asking God, "Why? Why do my friends, brothers in arms, comrades, keep going back when I'm not allowed to go with them? Please God send me to battle, allow me to serve my God and my country the way I know best. You gave me a second chance at life, please God grant me this one request, this one plea. Don't let your servant falter under this type of burden. Allow me to go and finally shed this burden like a heavy ruck at the end of a long march. I'm merely a broken man, a shell of the man I once was. But I just ask that you give your servant this one request; this prayer for battle so I may finally shed this burden." I don't know where else to turn at this point. I just hope and pray with what little strength I have left that God will send me there. No, I'm not crazy, at least I don't think I am; I just feel the burden of having "served" but never truly served this country that's been so blessed by God over the years. Here I am, I am willing and able, please send me...